I’m all in my feelings lately. I haven’t been right for a month. My emotions have been all over the place. I have cried – actually sobbed – every single day for weeks. My mind has been racing non-stop. Just this morning, I had to pull my car over whilst driving because I was having a panic attack. What’s wrong? I have no damn idea. I’m stressed from work. This is nothing new. I recently had my heart ripped out and trampled by someone I entrusted it to. Life, eh? Oh, and just when I got my shit together, it happened again. Apparently, I’m not a quick study. I severed ties with people so that we could all continue to grow without hurting one another. Meh! This is adulting, no? I’m performing in a showcase next week and can’t seem to get control of my voice or breathing. Definitely not new. I can barely sleep. Thanks, 24 hour construction site outside my window. My muscles and joints are always aching. Thanks, hard ass workouts from my new personal trainer. I can’t stop fidgeting. Keeping still takes tremendous effort. I’m grinding my teeth and have had tension headaches and migraines every day. Now this? This is new.
The last time I felt similar to this it was The Darkness. When that came I was suicidal. Don’t worry. I’m not thinking of taking my life or anyone else’s. I’ve got shit to do today, tomorrow, and well into the future. I’m fully aware that a problem exists. I’m taking much better care of myself than I have in years. I exercise. I see a therapist regularly. I take time out to enjoy my own company. I’ve had my GP run an exhaustive blood test. Barring the many kilos/pounds I’m being advised to lose, I’m healthy. So what gives? What’s with this fog fuckery? I’m desperately trying to figure it out. Up next? Wait nearly three goddamn weeks for the next available appointment with a gynecologist to check my hormone levels. I suspect my recent dalliances with birth control have something to do with this nightmare.
Until then… I’ll be here. Crying my damn eyes out and having panic attacks for no good damn reason.