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Haven’t blogged here in a minute, but I’ve been microblogging on Twitter (@aunaptural). Figured I’d use this space to expand upon some of my most recent musings. Here’s where it all began…
Two years ago, one of Mr. Glitter’s sisters told me to run far away from him. You know me. Sometimes telling me to stay away from something I really want is a surefire way to make me run directly toward it. She meant well, but I’m hardheaded. Two years ago is when I predicted that he would go back to his Ex-wife. He couldn’t fathom the possibility. I believed it. Two years ago is also when I asked him if he wanted the same things I wanted. He didn’t. I kept trying. He kept trying. It worked for a while and then a little while longer. And, yet, here we are two years later. When his sister told me to run, I didn’t listen. I thought she was so cold. Today, I realize she was trying to save me. Good lookin’ out, Bee. I get it now, babe.
I can’t lie. Some anger returned after my last post. After a recent event, I allowed the anger to reach a point where it nearly consumed me. Not good. Today I forgive Mr. Glitter and release that anger. I’m no longer interested in trying to decipher why he did what he did then. He loved me the best way he knew how. I forgive him now. I’m no longer interested in trying to figure out why I did what I did then. I loved him the best way I knew how. I forgive me now. I’m grateful for what was – good and bad. I make no apologies for how hard I loved him. That’s me. I’m imperfect and I love hard. I finally accept that about me. I learned how to love with my whole heart, how to be unapologetic about the way I need to be loved in return, how to fall apart and build myself up again. The season of Team Glitter is finally over. I forgive. I don’t do this for his benefit. I do it for mine. I do it because I needed to free up the space he once occupied. I need that space. I need more room to be. To flourish. To grow. To learn. To love.
In this newly freed space, I’m more careful about who I let enter. It’s sacred. It’s a space where I’m the most vulnerable. In this space I’m still learning. I’m learning how to fight fair. How to argue and disagree with kindness and love. How to be patient. How to relinquish control. How to recognize when I’m being unreasonable – and try my hardest not repeat my mistakes. I’m learning how to see the glass as half full. I’m learning to consider the best case scenario. I’m learning honesty. I’m learning that the default needs to be communication – not radio silence and retreat. I’m still learning to trust – myself and others.
In this newly freed space, I’m free to exist in whatever fashion I please. In this space, I dance and sing and cry and scream and float and tumble. There’s plenty of room. In this space I’m allowed to be both beautiful and ugly. In this space I’m a champion and I fuck up royally. In this space I make amends. I accept flaws and eschew the unrealistic quest for perfection. I forgive. In this space I accept and support. This space is possible only because I’ve allowed it to be so. In this space, I’ve surrounded myself with so much love for all of me. In this space, I’m also making room – preparing, if you will – to love another again. 🙂