Making Room

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Haven’t blogged here in a minute, but I’ve been microblogging on Twitter (@aunaptural). Figured I’d use this space to expand upon some of my most recent musings. Here’s where it all began…

aunaptural tweet

Two years ago, one of Mr. Glitter’s sisters told me to run far away from him. You know me. Sometimes telling me to stay away from something I really want is a surefire way to make me run directly toward it. She meant well, but I’m hardheaded. Two years ago is when I predicted that he would go back to his Ex-wife. He couldn’t fathom the possibility. I believed it. Two years ago is also when I asked him if he wanted the same things I wanted. He didn’t. I kept trying. He kept trying. It worked for a while and then a little while longer.  And, yet, here we are two years later. When his sister told me to run, I didn’t listen. I thought she was so cold. Today, I realize she was trying to save me. Good lookin’ out, Bee. I get it now, babe.

I can’t lie. Some anger returned after my last post. After a recent event, I allowed the anger to reach a point where it nearly consumed me. Not good. Today I forgive Mr. Glitter and release that anger. I’m no longer interested in trying to decipher why he did what he did then. He loved me the best way he knew how. I forgive him now. I’m no longer interested in trying to figure out why I did what I did then. I loved him the best way I knew how. I forgive me now. I’m grateful for what was – good and bad. I make no apologies for how hard I loved him. That’s me. I’m imperfect and I love hard. I finally accept that about me. I learned how to love with my whole heart, how to be unapologetic about the way I need to be loved in return, how to fall apart and build myself up again. The season of Team Glitter is finally over. I forgive. I don’t do this for his benefit. I do it for mine. I do it because I needed to free up the space he once occupied. I need that space. I need more room to be. To flourish. To grow. To learn. To love.

In this newly freed space, I’m more careful about who I let enter. It’s sacred. It’s a space where I’m the most vulnerable. In this space I’m still learning. I’m learning how to fight fair. How to argue and disagree with kindness and love. How to be patient. How to relinquish control. How to recognize when I’m being unreasonable – and try my hardest not repeat my mistakes. I’m learning how to see the glass as half full. I’m learning to consider the best case scenario. I’m learning honesty. I’m learning that the default needs to be communication – not radio silence and retreat. I’m still learning to trust – myself and others.

In this newly freed space, I’m free to exist in whatever fashion I please. In this space, I dance and sing and cry and scream and float and tumble. There’s plenty of room. In this space I’m allowed to be both beautiful and ugly. In this space I’m a champion and I fuck up royally. In this space I make amends. I accept flaws and eschew the unrealistic quest for perfection. I forgive. In this space I accept and support. This space is possible only because I’ve allowed it to be so. In this space, I’ve surrounded myself with so much love for all of me. In this space, I’m also making room – preparing, if you will – to love another again. 🙂

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Today I Am OK

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There are 5 stages of loss and grieving. With the help of a great therapist, family members and friends who loved the life back into me, Beyonce’s Lemonade, Kirk Franklin’s Losing My Religion, and a bit of time, I have been through them all.

  1. Denial & Isolation – “He can’t be serious. Nope. He’ll change his mind.”
  2. Anger – “Who the fuck does he think I am?”
  3. Bargaining – “If only I had… What if we..?”
  4. Depression – “I am not OK!”
  5. Acceptance – “Let it be. I’m done.”

I can say that this was not an easy process, and I’m still in the throws of full Acceptance. Oddly enough, I had to cycle through some stages a few times before I got to the final stage. I cried myself to sleep. I cancelled all my plans. I finally allowed myself to be angry. I saw him again. I was in denial that things had changed. I bargained, then I got angry all over again. I was a sad shell of a person. I saw him again. I wished him well, meant that shit, and drove far away. Slowly. Surely. I am moving forward. Slowly. Surely. I am remembering who I am.

My middle name, Farahah, is a derivative of an Arabic name meaning “joy.” Today I realized that my mother gave me a gift when she named me. You see, in the midst of the muck and sadness, I somehow forgot that I, literally, am joy. Me! I am joy. And I am enough. Today I am OK. Today I smile. Today I’m living. Today I can breathe easily. Today I hurt a lot less.Today I am hopeful. Today I can laugh from deep within my round belly. Today I glow. Today I remember that my life is a miracle. Today I am free. Today I am grateful.

 

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Happy Birthday to Me!

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Today is my 32nd birthday! What did I do? Spoiled myself rotten. I treated myself to a massage and mani/pedi this morning. Then, a few friends threw me a birthday party. It’s Ramadan in the UAE so having a big bashment blowout wasn’t going to happen. Instead, I opted for something more low-key and simple. I was surrounded by some good friends who joined me in getting henna and feasting on Popeye’s fried chicken and sparkling wine. It’s all about balance, folks.

Toward the end of the gathering I opened my big mouth and said, “I would like y’all to give me a makeover.” I’ve gained a crap ton of weight in the last year and nothing truly flattering fits me anymore. This is what friends are for. To say my girls are excited is an understatement. These women are extra giddy about the prospect of making me over. The deal is that they get to go through my closet, overhaul everything, advise me on what to stock up on when I get to proper clothing stores in the USA, and I cannot complain. That last part may be the biggest ask of all. This is what happens when you allow others to help you. You’ve gotta go with it. I’m nervous as hell, but it’s time for a bit of sprucing up. Shallow as it may seem, the saying is true (at least for me): When you look good, you feel good. I’m ready for some more feel good.

I also promised myself that, after 7 years of being in 2 significant relationships, I would finally begin dating again this summer. In the last year I have kept a vow of celibacy and genuinely learned how to enjoy my own company. Conclusion: like everyone else, I’m flawed… but, dammit, I’m pretty awesome. Two of the four ladies have said they would set me up on blind dates. They get one each. This should be… interesting.The last time some friends suggested a guy for me he turned out to be more of a creepy, inconsiderate, oddball in person than any of us could have EVER imagined. While this won’t turn into a dating blog, I may invite you all along for the ride from time time. This is a new year and I’d like to try some things that I haven’t tried in a long while or ever before. Big ups to Shonda Rhimes and her book, Year of Yes, for giving me the courage to give this a go.

 

Wish me luck!

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Guess Who Was Nominated for a Liebster Award?

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The wonderful Jessica of Tiny Portal recently nominated me for the Liebster Award. Thanks! It’s an award given to bloggers by bloggers. Cool, right? liebster_award1-1_thumb1   I’m supposed to answer Jessica’s questions, then nominate some other fabulous bloggers to answer some questions I’ve created. Y’all know I’m wordy, so let’s get cracking! Continue reading “Guess Who Was Nominated for a Liebster Award?”

10 Random Thoughts in Abu Dhabi

I haven’t written anything on here since my return from Zanzibar. I’m really not in the mood to write a long post, but I really need to get back into the swing of things. Allow me a little brain dump post to begin.

1. The Game of Thrones intro scene is way too damn long.

2. I’m still struggling to get through House of Cards Season 3. It took me 4 attempts to finish the first episode.

3. If another one of you people in my FB newsfeed live tweet Scandal or Grey’s one more time… Seriously, people. We’ve been through this. Twitter is for live updates. Is nowhere safe?

4. The internet/cable/mobile company keeps calling me to upgrade my service. My internet would be faster, I’d have basic cable, and a home land line for the same price I’m currently paying for internet service. Pretty sweet deal, yes? Well, they also want to lock me into a 1-year contract. Nope. Nope. And nope. When I asked them how much it would be to upgrade my internet without contract they told me it wouldn’t be possible. Oh well. I’ll stick with what I have.

Continue reading “10 Random Thoughts in Abu Dhabi”